I Was Once Broken by Alice

Being tossed between waves of desperation and normalcy, I reached for it. Feeling no other hand there to help guide me out of the darkness, I reached for it. Unsettling realty set it and unable to solely cope, I reached for it. Teetering between feeling it all and hoping to be numb, I reached for it. It gave me mild comfort but then great shame. It made me fun but then ill. This superhuman I could be, accomplishing more and more with no great fall.

I craved it, wished it was 5 o’clock every where. A drink or three made all my responsibilities seem easy. It made me feel like I wasn’t a complete failure to my family. Like I wasn’t completely ruining another life. My odds of inheriting alcoholic genes are high and yet I didn’t notice what was happening. I was too busy managing a baby who never slept, a toddler who always fought, a husband that felt always gone, plus a job, a house, it all. I never noticed when it took over, when the weekends seemed too short, when I needed it to get an hour or two of solid shut-eye.

One whole year, it slowly but fiercely crept into my weekend ritual. No one from a far seemed to notice but it bore a crack in our foundation that widened over time. It caused fights, real anger, more shame, constant attempts to fix what was broken. But I was what was broken. I didn’t know how to pause taking care of everyone around me to take care of myself.

So when did the craving stop? When did the light come back on? I honestly can’t give you a date but I do remember all the sudden feeling repulsed at the site of a bottle. I do know it was around the time  that the baby slept. And when I wasn’t so on my own. When I spoke my truth of constantly feeling like I was drowning in mile long to-do lists. When I said all of this was too much to ask of anyone. What I found was support not blame. Help not absence. Those are things I did not find starring into another empty bottle.

It’s been years since I found my freedom from it. Never do I plan to venture down that dark path as it came at a price that I’m unwilling to pay again. Both my family and myself mean entirely too much to ever risk again.

  1. Your bravery for posting this is admirable. You are not alone. I too struggled with this, and sometimes give in to a glass of wine or two, but NEVER to the extent it was. Kudos to you❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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